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My Six Reasons for Marrying a Balkan Man
Le Couple / ©flickr.com/photos/tousmic
Author: Ruth Platt-Stavrik
As midnight passed on New Year’s Eve and 2010 began, I looked at my husband sitting beside me, thought about our two children sleeping upstairs and realised that we’d been married for the best part of a decade, and that we’re still speaking to each other. As I am English and he is Macedonian I felt that this achievement was perhaps even greater than usual, having had cultural barriers to cross and linguistic misunderstandings to clear up, not to mention having only one grandparent, my father, in England where we live, to help with that elusive pot of gold, free childcare. I have often thought about the advantages and disadvantages of marrying a man from the Balkans as opposed to a man from the UK, and though perhaps my husband is not a typical Balkan man, if there is such a thing, there have certainly been aspects of our marriage that have been shaped by his Macedonian-ness. Here is a guide to the most positive of those influences:
1] You learn to dress warmly and discover the deadly influence of the draught
On my first trip to Skopje I was taken by my new husband to the underwear shop. For silk lingerie I wondered? No, for thermal vests. My husband, horrified by my skimpy jumpers that left an inch of bare skin exposed on my lower back, taught me to tuck my vest into knickers in a way I had abandoned since the age of 8. I haven’t quite got used to this practice, but have to concede in really cold climates it is probably a must. I have definitely learned to keep my lower back covered at least – gone are the skimpy tops [though that is also due to the havoc wreaked on my body since having two children]. As for the deadliness of the draught, it has been explained to me, with geometrical precision, the way a draught can turn into a dangerous phenomenon if someone is caught between two open windows or doors. This can cause anything from a sore throat to cardiac arrest. I am not yet convinced, but am very careful not to say so in certain circles in the Balkans. It may damage my reputation beyond repair [if that hasn’t happened already].
2] A man brought up under communism knows the importance of thrift
Ok, this can be annoying when every supermarket purchase is questioned in terms of whether it is necessary for basic survival [forget about posh shampoo or expensive coffee] but actually often very refreshing in a culture where excess and throwing away things you’re tired of is the norm. If one of our children’s toys break, my husband tries to fix it. If a pair of shoes look worn, my husband tries to get them re-heeled. Landfills in England are overflowing with rubbish. I have to admit that just not buying so much stuff is environmentally, as well as economically, sound.
wooden couple / ©flickr.com/photos/strollers
3] You get a new perspective on world history
I’m not going to mention Greece. Except to say all our friends have been told about Alexander the Macedonian. They also now know that World War II was won by the Russians, not the British, and all about Operation Barbarossa. My husband’s education with regards to world history is superior to mine, and to most in the UK. At school the sum of my state-school history education can be reduced to Aborigine Dream Time and the six wives of Henry VIII. My husband’s seemed to include everything from the chronological conquests of Genghis Khan to Field Marshal Montgomery’s victories in North Africa and the origins of the SAS. The marriage has been educational. I in turn have tried to share some information on Romantic Poets of the nineteenth century but this for some reason has fallen on deaf ears. Can’t think why.
4] You don’t have to wonder what a Balkan man is thinking
He tells you. An Englishman has been brought up to withhold his emotions, to keep everything inside, whereas if my husband is annoyed about something he can do the cold silence thing for about five minutes before bursting into protest, be it about the fact that I never fold the sheets in the airing cupboard or that I still haven’t filled in my tax return, or about the fact that he was angry with me for being angry with him for coming home late from work. Again. Research shows that couples who argue have healthier marriages and are more likely to stay together [I’m not making it up, honestly]. We do argue, but we do usually come up with solutions and compromises following an argument, which I think is a whole lot better than never talking about problems.
5] The importance of extended family
I am not that close to my brother or sisters. I am close to my father but my mother died a few years ago after a long illness so I never had a proper adult relationship with her. Although it has been difficult to go to Macedonia since we have had young children, we intend to go much more regularly as they get older. I see how close-knit my husband’s family are and how loyal they are to each other. I admire it. My husband has helped me to get closer to my own brother and sister, and now our children are close to their cousins as a result. This summer we are going on holiday with my husband’s family. It is an ongoing adaptation for me, but a good one.
5 ½ ] Military service
This is obviously not relevant to younger generations, but I think Military service had a profound effect on my husband. For a start, he knows how to iron. It is also to blame for his obsession with folding things neatly [like sheets] which is a bit annoying. However I think it gave him strength and independence at a young age. I think he is tougher than his English counterparts, who wouldn’t know what to do if they had to put a tent up in the rain, or drive across Serbia without getting killed by mad bus drivers overtaking on a bend, or if a burglar broke into the house. Two men tried to climb in our bedroom window a few years ago. I woke my husband up and he moved towards the window like a rabid dog. The very sight of him made them run for their lives as he let out a deep menacing laugh as they ran. He was effectively terrifying. Then he went back to bed and fell asleep within minutes. [I, on the other hand, rang the police.] He also knows how to dismantle an AK47 in under a minute, though I admit this hasn’t come in handy yet.
6] The accent
They say that the French language is the most beautiful in the world. The French accent certainly is not. English spoken with a French accent sounds like a cat trying to talk through dental braces. I loved my husband’s accent from the start. Yes, he does always sound like he has just woken up, but his accent will always make me go weak at the knees. Except when he’s telling me to fold the sheets in the airing cupboard, maybe.
I couldn’t agree more. My fiance is from the Balkans and he’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I never feel safer than when I’m by his side. When we had a door I had trouble opening, a few minutes later I found a second handle had been attached. He knows how to handle situations and people. He’s absolutely lovely and I couldn’t be happier that I’m about to marry a Balkan man. From the accent, to the straight-forward approach to our relationship, to the close-knit family, to the fix-it-if-there-is-a-problem approach to life, he’s such an incredible person. I only wish I had met him sooner so I wouldn’t have bothered with my previous boyfriends.
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Best regards from the Balkans
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Bravo za mojata snaa. Me iznenadi mnogu, mnogu prijatno….
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Ruth, I don’t know you, but I know your husband personally. I am delighted by your piece. It is warm and funny and so very true. I have to agree that he, and most of the Balkan man I know are nice, genuine and really honest with their feelings. But by the look of it, he is not the only one. You are too.
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Dear Ruth,
I am a Macedonian married to an Englishman, and your 6 reasons could have easily been written by my husband as the 6 reasons why he’d married a Macedonian woman:)))) Literally, every single one of them (his favourite probably being the deadly influence of the draught, since I will not have two bedroom windows open at the same time!!!!:)))). Will show this to him, he will be well suprised by the fact there is someone out there actually reading his mind! Thanks for the lovely article and keep cooking if you want to maintain that marital bliss:)))
Marija.
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Bonja said:
You know how to dismantle the AK47???
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Yes, we are Men. I enjoyed reading your text. Have fun tonight you two.
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Yep … everything U said it’s true …. Macedonians – Man of Honor
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Wow, reading your piece perfectly matches my experience (albeit as an American) married to a Balkan guy. I sure know the deadly draft fears, as I’ve suffered in 100 degree summer heat with no A/C in closed car or bus windows, suffocating, all to ‘save’ me from the deadly, pneumonia-death-inducing draft!
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I love the way you wrote this article! Too funny!
But I have to say, there is no American man out there that could hold a candle to my Balkan Babe.
I am from the U.S, and have always been an avid follower of Ben Franklin’s theory on opening windows. Not when you are married to a Macedonian!! heee hee, I thought I was alone with this problem. If I get a stiff neck, my hubby always shakes his head and starts lecturing me on draft
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Ruth-
Absolutely LOVED your piece, it kept me smiling from start to finish. I’m a US-born Macedonian married to an Englishman (Pozdrav do Marija!) and can relate our marriage to yours even across geographical and cultural boundaries. He comes from a large family but none of the siblings are particularly close and he doesn’t even know where his aunts/uncles/cousins are, but he absolutely loves the closeness in my family and how it transcends immediate relatives– I’m just as close to my first cousins as I am to my third and fourth, my great-aunts are like grandmothers to me, etc., and my husband loves our big family get-togethers and everyone loves him to bits! When we got married, there was no question about it, he wanted to have a Macedonian wedding (church, music, tradition and all), he danced his heart out all night long!
Now if I could only get him to take #2 on your list a little more seriously….
Thanks again, and I wish you many more happy years together!
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Dear Ruth,
I just love your article
I’m born and raised Macedonian or maybe it would be more proper in my case to say in the Balkans (I moved around a bit).
I live in New York City now and your article definitely inspired me to go back and look for the love of my life among the lovely Balkan man
Lots of love to you and your family!!!
All the best from NYC
Ljupka
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Great post! I wish you a long a happy marriage!
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I wonder what his six reasons are for marrying an english chick? couldn’t imagine what they would be…
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great post!
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Bravo!
I’m a macedonian, will marry a macedonian!
Love the analysis.
I wish I have a good long marriage like yours.
Have a nice day Ruth
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Dear Hristina,
Lovely to see you can speak your mother tongue (you do, don’t you?:)):)))) Do you live in the US or the UK? When it comes to family, the same goes for my husband, I was gobsmacked when he couldn’t tell me the names of his grandparents (even though they’d been long gone before he was born)!!!! To me that was unacceptable:)))Since we got married, ha had reconnected with his extended family. And the wedding…..exactly the same here!:))))) It was a great day:)))
All the best
Marija.
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I simply love the way you perfectly described us as a nation with that lovely unique British sense of humor. All so funny and so true. My father always says today’s male generation will never be real men, because military service is not obligatory anymore. To be honest, I think he is right…
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Seriously, I don’t understand why is it people on this side of the world ( I live in NY) never understood the effects of drought (promaja).
( I can assume your husband has a couple of bottles in reserve).
Or think its funny, when i recommend lemon and some honey to cure colds. God forbid i should mention the cure-it-all rakija
As for military service Jovana, not only does it make a better man out of most, but it is important for our part of the world, as we just know there is bound to be a war, sooner rather than later. Men need to know how to fight. Not to go into irrelevant discussions but it was imposed upon our country[the discontinuation of the practice] by foreign powers, under pretense of a condition to join NATO.
Anyway, funny article. I should also add that as a Macedonian in US, i have reaped the benefits of local women’s infatuation with our accents ( tho i don’t understand why it should be sexy rather than funny).
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I thought it is a great article and so lovely and passionate. I want to know more about this culture. Sincerously from Brazil.
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I find it quite cute how you as a woman from different culture like traits that most Central/Eastern European women (like myself) can’t stand in their men i.e. being thrifty and frugal (I will always remember my dad questioning whether having Nike trainers is really essential when I was little, whether cheap unbranded ones wouldn’t do:-).
As far as history is concerned, that will always be a matter of bias, depending on where you grew up. In all ex-Communist countries people were told for 40 years that the Russians won the Second World War II and there was no mention whatsoever about the British, Americans, etc. which quite frankly is not the case!
But I agree with you that men from that part of Europe are definitely stronger, more manly and treat women as a woman!
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Someone said:
Firstly, these weren’t COMMUNIST countries, because communism never ever existed, anywhere on the planet.
Secondly, it is NOT a matter of bias – people here are not taught that only the Soviet Uniot won the war, but ALL the mentioned countries – but USSR and Eastern Europeans suffered the most casualties (look it up anywhere in a relevant WWII factbook) which is true and largely different from the history taught in UK and US – that they won the war and that they were good, and USSR was evil, even though that probably the world would have been a German province today (including the island of UK, with all their defense up there)if it wasn’t for the resistance of USSR.
So check your history facts before bragging about something similar again. Thank you.
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Zdravo Marija
Still, the mixture of the two (or even three) cultures has made our relationship that much stronger and definitely more interesting! Pozdrav!
Yes, I can speak and write Macedonian rather fluently for a “non-native” unlike my brother who never really had the interest that I did (he can speak it, but not nearly as well). We live in the US– my husband was posted here with the RAF when we met. We got married, he retired, and we stayed here. There are also some interesting cultural differences between US/UK, especially in terms of language (since I’ve been married, I own a “hoover,” not a vacuum cleaner, my car has a “boot” instead of a trunk… and I find marmite absolutely disgusting! hahaha — just to name a few things) Back to the wedding, I think the funniest thing for me was when we were dancing. My cousin brought out a “tapan” and told my husband that, if he felt comfortable, he could stand on it– if he felt even more comfortable, he could stand on one leg, etc. So my husband got on the tapan, on one leg, started swinging his leg around, etc. and he was having such a great time, I thought he would never come down! It seemed like he was up there for 10 minutes!
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Hahahaha, don’t we love our Macedonian men
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Zdravo Ruth,
:)
Kazzi mu na Darko da sskrtne nekoj zbor navaka nakaj juzzna hemisfera.
Promaja ubija, AK47 e zakon, a igraccki i jas popravam za da ne zagaduvam okolina so eftina plastika.
Pozdrav Babuss
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Hej, what about the other men from Balkans, like Serbians???
hehe, ajd ziveli
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Katarina said:
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iM Swedis and married balkan girl from Bosnia … I can make that list p to 10001 .
bALKAN RULES , BAlKAN MUSIC, BALKAN FOOD — Im gonna bee balkan man where retired
ood lUCK TO YOU
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Loved your article! I have known many Balkan men as I have visited the Balkans and even lived in Belgrade for 6 months…. and well… I will take a Balkan man to any American any time. I too, love the accent and like what Eva said, which I really couldn’t put into words until my second time there, that when I am with a Balkan man, I feel more like a woman. YES, they can be pig-headed, but like what Ruth had written, you know where you stand with them and almost immediately. And whenever I was with one, I felt safe. And the extended family (for both men and women) is something that is sorely missed in America. The only comment I will disagree with is the frugality of them, for I think it depends how old they are as the younger ones (under 35) seem to love to spend money, esp. if they are single!
I wish you both a long a happy marriage and HOPE I can find me one to marry as well!
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Dear Hristina,
Think is absolutely brilliant you can speak (even if not perfect) Macedonian!!! I’ve got two little ones (4 and 3) whom I try to speak to only Macedonian. Funny enough, the youngest seems more gifted and can say more, as well as pronounce better. The eldest was born in Macedonia, where we lived until she was one but struggles more with it now. They’re keen, which is great, so I am not giving up:))) They’re very aware of all things macedonian and they’ve also started noticing the cultural differences. So I really, really hope they’ll continue learning the language:)))) As for Marmite….can’t stand the bloody stuff myself:))))
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Hi Ruth,
Thank you for presenting such a serious subject in a very humorous way. CONGRATULATIONS! It was a joy reading it as many of the described characteristics for a man from the Balkan are well known to me. I (Slovenian)have been happily married to the Macedonian man of different cultural background for over 50 years. This man is the uncle of your husband. Although we have been living in Canada for many years,the traits you have listed (except for the consequences of the draft)are stil alive. We are sure that such differences are making our marriages stronger. Both my husband and I wish you many more happy years together.
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born in balkan i was
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I really loved this piece, I think it not only applies to Macedonian men, but I think the same could be said for Croats, Serbs and Bosniaks, although not all men from the region are as brave as your husband, I had a Croatian fiance who definitely was NOT as brave as I am or as your husband, what kept our relationship going was that he had most of the other positive qualities you mention about your husband, and he never once put me down, he did not try to hard to change me, and he appreciated things about me other men in my past found threatening. He appreciated that I was a bit braver than him for example. He appreciated that I learned the language easily and quickly. He did not interfere with my friendships, he was not controlling. Our problem was that he was really not ready to get married. I had a very bad first marriage. He actually helped me get over some of my issues. I loved your article! What you wrote showed me that I can have hope that perhaps someday, the right partner is out there for me, and he is probably going to come from someplace in the Balkans. So not only did your article warm my heart, so many things you said reminded me of my former fiance’s positive points! You gave me some hope. I would take a guy from this region any time over an American!
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I’m Serbian-Canadian and I can empathise with some of the points you make, though they might be a wee bit exaggerated.
However, I wanted to point out something else. My father was born in Macedonia of a Macedonian mother and Serbian father. He cannot acquire Macedonian citizenship — and therefore neither can I for that matter.
I do not really need that citizenship, I have Canadian, Serbian, and Israeli ones. But that is not the point. The point is that everyone with a grandparent born in the UK (and the today territory of the Republic of Ireland before its independence in the 1920s) can get the right of abode and an expedited road to citizenship.
But not so in Macedonia. So while a closeness of one’s extended family does count, the respect of the state for such closeness counts too. For some reason, the Republic of Macedonia does not recognise that right even to my father, born in Macedonia of a Macedonian mother (he even finished his Grade 1 opf primary school there before moving to Serbia).
And that is simply NOT fair.
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Jessica (North York, ON) said:
My boyfriend said check out the following and use google translate if needed. Your father is eligible for Macedonian citizenship.
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Jessica (North York, ON) said:
http://www.mvr.gov.mk%2FUploads%2Fprecisten%2520tekst%2520SV%252045%25202004.pdf
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Best piece of PR for Balkans EVER!
And fortunately for us, nothing of it is made up. All the misconceptions mentioned do exist. It’s the perception of them that makes them positive or negative.
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All true, however don’t start a POLITICAL conversation with a Balkan Man, if you start talking about it, you will regret it at the end. They have a different perspective then the western world and in certain situations they are not very open minded. On the other hand who said that we are all perfect? LOL
I wish my boyfriend from Macedonia will propose to me.
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Dear all,
I am Jessica from Italy. I also love Balkans and Balkan people. I had a lovely relationship with a Macedonian, now my heart is linked to Serbia and who knows.. About Balkan guys I can say I love theri way of being. I love them being still “men” , “rough” and “wild” and tender and lovely to go crazy. I love them being sincere: they like you, or they don’t. That’s it.
I love them being jealous and open minded and I love their language!
Everyone is surprised when I move there just to see my friends and have some fun. BUt I like it so much that when I am in Italy, I am a completely different person. A “dead one”-like and I feel I miss something. My body is here but my soul is there. YEs, The Music, the food.. everything is amazing there!
And I love this forum page I saw today!!! Great!!
Finally someone on my side! yuuuuuu!
Kisses,
Jessie
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Linda said:
In response to Jessie from Italy…. YOU are me except I live in the USA!
I agree with everything you said from the men to the country. Even after my first time to Belgrade, I knew my soul would be there forever. I also agree with you about being different when back home as here in the states I am a different person…not really “whole”, but missing a part of me. When I lived there for 6 months, I thought I would get homesick…but in reality it hit me only once except for missing some of my favorite foods like peanut butter and corn-fed beef!). My friends there think I am NUTS to feel this way, especially since I live 3 blocks from the ocean, but it is something that I just cannot explain to them. I just hope that this “secret” doesn’t spread too quickly (but it seems to be as it keeps getting raps in magazines lately!) as I don’t want BG to get ruined and lose what it has going for it!
Am a bit jealous of you as you are sooooo close to it and are probably fairly young (as I discovered this in my later years…. ACK!!! Hope you get back there soon!
Linda
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This is great
and it is true !
Kisses from Nis
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For all the ladies and guys who are interested in opposite sex from the Balkans, here is a little inside info from a guy born and raised in Belgrade…btw, I am happily married and don’t count on me
1. There’s a lot of available men and women in Belgrade who are open to adventure, relationship and hopefully marriage
, really, not kidding ) and from Montenegro to reach Croatian seaside is aprox 1 hour drive depending on which town you’re in
2. Best time to visit is summertime when Belgrade is just amazing and the nightlife is simply fantastic, so even if you don’t find a soul mate, you will have a blast
3. Best places to stay are downtown hostels which are pretty cheap or apartments rented on daily basis and here is a couple of sites for that.
4. From Belgrade it’s easy to visit all of the Balkans, so if you like taking road trips, you’ll be on the place of destination within couple of hours (I reccomend visiting the Pyramids of Bosnia-if you never heard of them, try google-ing them)
5. If feeling like a swim in salty waters of mediterenian sea, it’s a half hour flight time to reach Montenegro (and the guys there are all 190-200 cm tall
Hope nobody misunderstands my intentions, they’re really honest and I wish you all a good time and good luck
Alex
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Kris said:
Thanks Alex. I would love to meet a lovely tall Balkan man. My preference is Macedonian men, but I would be happy with any! Do you know of any single and available ones in Melbourne Australia?
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Dalibor said:
come to Macedonia there are lots of them
maybe there are some in Melbourne but i can assure u that they are not same like the one that grow up on the Balkan
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I hate hearing Balkan women marrying foreigners (Marija/Hristina). By the looks of this article you don’t know what your missing. Only a Balkan man can treat you right. Too bad your missing that ‘Man’ in your life girls. All the best in the future.
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this article is great.I’m an asian from Philippines
and I love Balkan countries. Especially Macedonia!
Gospod da te blagoslovi!:)
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I agree with all – I’m also married to a Balkan man, an Albanian, who is especially great for the family. Just as amazing he has a great intellect and is a great entreprenuer that can run a very successful business. Being handy is an asset that very few have, which is a plus for a Balkan man.
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Dear All!
I’m a Balkan man, from northwesternmost part of Croatia, little peninsula called “Istra”.
This is arguably not Balkans per se, but the powerful echoes of Balkan culture still distincly resound there too (along with Italian and central european influences). Istra is a multicultural and natural heaven with reach history, beautiful climate and gorgeous Adriatic coast. This has meant that everyone has at some time wanted to own it, including Venetians, Austrians and even Napoleon.
I’ve been living in Melbourne, Australia for the best part of last two decades (recent Balkan wars partly shaped my destiny). This means I’m a Balkan man with a difference
)
While I loved the accounts of cross-cultural joy experienced by a lot of you in your relationships, let me stress that us Balkan men are by no means easy and can hardly be generalised to be “all smiles und sunshine”…
Balkans is the birthplace and stronghold of MACHISM and a lot of nice manly traits described by a lot of you can often be overshadowed and even overpowered by exactly that in many men from this part of the world.
While this is perhaps unfortunate from the point of view of relationships, it is hardly unexpected given the fact that history in this part of the world has been anything but peaceful. Balkans has through the ages been a border reagion and a trench between religious traditions and empires and this has meant that it’s men are tougher than most.
To our credit, most Balkan men will subscribe to the following rule:
- We don’t fall in love very easily, but once we do, we love for life…
Eg. I can safely say that I still love all my Ex girlfriends that reached that status with me, even the ones that perhaps don’t deserve it given their eventual revelation of character.
Balkan men are passionate and emotionally intelligent and many of us owe those traits to our mothers more than our fathers.
A warm hello to everyone who partook in this forum!!!
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Hello to all.
Reading your article and all your comments i got a wish to get in this conversation.
I’m born and raised in Macedonia and still i’m living here ,i have never got out of here ,but knowing too many people living outside i have realized that the Balkan people are simply the best and Balkans countries are one of the best for living ,maybe someone will miss understood me or get mad on my coz of my sentence but it is what it is.
Looking forward to my life there is still time that i should go thru it .
I’m only 18 years old ,but i’m living my live different than others ,lookin on the life very very seriously from my 14 birthday.
Here on the Balkans u can find everythin that u can find on WEST or SOUTH or EAST but u can find much more that u can’t find anywhere in the world ,one of those things is our social life ,we have type of life that we cant life without our neighbors coming in our houses on coffee or without our family coming at my home without calling but it that is the beauty and happiness ,we’ve learned that without social life like our we can’t be happy.
Other thing
i will agree with one sentence that someone up have wrote it : “we are hard to get in love ,but when we fall in love we love for life”
I still love the girl that i first fall in love ,and that was like 5years ago.
I have a serious relationship now with a girl that i love the most in the world and with the girl that i wanna get married one day ,but still i love the one that i met 5 years ago.Thats our life ,and our way of living.
Our parents and grandparents are teaching us that we should be stronger and keep our family and our friends close,not to hate etc.
If some of u haven’t come on the Balkans ,especially Macedonia,Serbia and all others from former Yugoslavia ,u should get on plane now and come to see what i’m talkin about .You will experience something that u have only dreamed for.
Sincerely,
Dalibor from Macedonia.
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